


To Wear or Not to Wear

by SifaShep



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Apologies to Shakespeare, F/M, Hamlet - Freeform, Mild Language, Shakespeare Quotations, shepard in tights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27437308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SifaShep/pseuds/SifaShep
Summary: Mordin decides to put on a production of Hamlet. Shepard has a problem with the costuming choice. C'mon, Shep in tights. Who *doesn't* want to see that sometime?Set during ME2, sometime after Lair of the Shadow Broker. During Remy's run, it was Zaeed who got hit by the table and knocked out during the final boss fight.Since Jack and Zaeed are in this one, I'm putting a TW:mild language on this.
Relationships: Male Shepard/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya
Kudos: 4





	To Wear or Not to Wear

Shepard stared at the costume. He was fine with the leather jerkin, the shirt with puffed sleeves, the leather belt. They'd even given him a decent looking (fake) sword. That wasn't his issue. It was everything _south_ of the beltline that he had trouble.  
  
"I'm _not_ going to wear that."

Mordin Solus sighed and raised his hands in an appeal. “Ambiance necessary for the time period, Commander. Battle armor not exactly needed in this particular scene.”

Shepard crossed his arms. “No. Not even for a Shakespearean production, Mordin.”  
  
The Salarian didn't quite smile. "Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, but not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy, _**for the apparel oft proclaims the man..."  
  
**_ Of course, Mordin would quote Shakespeare as well as he sang Gilbert and Sullivan. Shepard smiled and shook his head. "That was Polonius, not Hamlet. He also said 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend.' So I shouldn't borrow it in the first place."  
  
Mordin inclined his head as he tried to parse that. "Your logic makes no sense, Commander. I know you'll return the costume without issue."

Jack lounged on a pile of medical supply crates and grinned at him. Her eyes sparkled with wicked humor, the kind that made Shepard very, very nervous. “Aw, c’mon, Shepard. I’m sure your ass looks just as good in a pair of pantyhose.”  
  
He glared at her. "I'm not wearing tights, even for a ship's production of Hamlet. I have my dignity, Jack."  
  
She gave him a look that clearly said _Don't fuck with me on this._ He wasn't cowed, he'd seen worse. Honestly, Jack would probably make a good Queen Titania. Maybe even a Lady MacBeth. She was definitely glaring daggers at him. "Don't be a spoilsport, Shepard."  
  
Tali spoke up. “I agree with Jack, Shepard. _Keelah_ , just the thought of it…”

She smirked widely and looked at Tali, then back at Shepard. “See even your girlfriend thinks it’s a good idea. As well as most of the female crew of the _Normandy_ ….”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. Oh no. Now they were going to gang up on him, and pull the guilt trip on him. He could almost see the pleading look, the doe-like glowing eyes through the Quarian helmet. Definitely like Juliet. "Don’t encourage it, Jack. And Tali…I’m flattered, but the answer’s still no.”

There was a rough bark of laughter from the door. Shepard closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then to twenty. “Goddamn. Am I hearin’ that you’re gonna be swordfightin’ in a flouncy jacket and _tights?_ I’d pay to see that.”

Shepard glared at the smirking mercenary in the doorway. “Shut up, Zaeed. I’m a sniper, remember? Ranged?”

Zaeed Massani raised his eyebrows. “This from a man who punched a Yagh in the nuts. Right.”

He bristled, especially when Jack laughed. She looked at him. "Damn, Shep. You didn't tell me that."  
  
“It wasn’t in the nuts. And _you_ were unconscious, remember, Zaeed?”

Zaeed harumphed. He couldn't dispute the fact that he had been unconscious during the fight with the Shadow Broker, so he couldn't prove it. Instead, he gestured towards Tali. “Anyways, can’t ya see your girlfriend’s all weepy ‘cause you disappointed her?”

“Guilt trip isn’t working, Zaeed.”

Miranda Lawson crossed her arms as she leaned against the console. “You agreed to play Hamlet, Commander, and that includes the costume. Frankly, I think it would be a good morale booster for the crew.”

Shepard groaned. “Not you too, Miranda.”

“I’m just pointing out the obvious.”  
  
Tali put a hand on his arm. "It's too late to back out, the whole crew knows about this, and they're counting on you."  
  
Mordin nodded and added quietly, "This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."

Shepard gave them all a rueful look. He knew he was going to go through with this, tights and all. The command crew knew him all too well. "I'm not going to win this one, am I, even if Polonius was a fool?"  
  
Mordin, Miranda, Zaeed, Jack and Tali all chorused: "No."  
  
He sighed again and shook his head. “Fine. But just this once.”  
  


(After Hamlet, Mordin decided to put on the Scottish play. But that's a different story)

**Author's Note:**

> The quotes are from "The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark" by William Shakespeare. Specifically, Act I, Scene III. They're all from Polonius, father of Laertes and Ophelia. Ironically, although Shepard is playing Hamlet in Mordin's production, he doesn't quote Hamlet himself anywhere in this story. 
> 
> Queen Titania is from A Midsummer's Night Dream. Lady MacBeth from "that Scottish play". And Juliet from "Romeo and Juliet".


End file.
